Quit Like a Woman by Holly Whitaker to Create a Life We Don't Need to Escape
I came upon this book, Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol by Holly Whitaker purely by happenstance while I was working on a reading challenge (I needed a book that started with Q, X or Z). I’m glad I did because since I’ve read it, it’s been on my mind and I’ve enjoyed following up on some of other resources that Holly Whitaker mentions. I know that some of you will feel the same way so I wanted to share the wealth!
As the book title reveals, this is about how women can make the choice to not drink alcohol in a world that is very much dominated by alcohol. However, more than that, the pages outline a roadmap for all of us to design a thoughtful life. The supports, resources and insight Whitaker shares are thorough, nourishing and applicable to anyone, whether they are working through an addiction or not.
In these pages, Whitaker details her own experiences in her 20s and 30s. After bad decisions, painful hangovers, unnecessary spending and toxic relationship choices, It eventually became clear to her that she had an unhealthy relationship with drinking. She decided that she wanted and needed to make a change and the journey has been life-defining. Whitaker has been able to reach a fuller potential, living a creative and productive life and making other changes that allow her to live more in line with her true self.
Whitaker identifies an “addiction” as “any behavior that a person finds pleasure or relief in and craves, but suffers negative consequences and can’t give up.”
I originally picked up the book because of the full title, the part that said “The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol.” This resonated with me and the book goes on to talk about how alcohol, which is actually ethanol, the same fuel that we put into vehicles to make them go, is ubiquitous at every single occasion. It is completely socially acceptable to drink in order to celebrate absolutely any occasion and if you are the one NOT drinking then you are usually the odd one out. She says that, “Alcohol is the only drug in the world where, when you stop taking it, you are seen as having a disease.” Bam!
It is certainly always valuable to take a moment to think about how we want to actively shape our lives. Alcohol is just widely accepted as our social lubricant of choice but Whitaker points out that this broad acceptance was lended to cigarettes not so long ago. She feels that alcohol is currently having a “cigarette moment” and that at some point in the future we will look back on the detrimental health effects of alcohol and wonder why it was deemed okay for us to drink so much for so long.
Whitaker takes a deep dive into alcohol addiction with and the history between alcohol and women in our country. She shares powerful data and details and it is evident she’s done her research. The information she shares is really interesting and that alone makes it a good read. This book is beneficial to anyone who wants to take a closer look at their relationship with all unhelpful behaviors, beyond just drinking too much. I think that the techniques she talks about that helped her redefine her drinking are invaluable for those who also want to sop spending, bingeing, smoking or staying in unhealthy relationships. There are many behaviors we automatically engage in that are just not serving us but are somehow solidly ingrained into our lives.
Whitaker discusses her path to and through sobriety and the pressure she received from others to use AA as a key tool for recovery. She points out that AA was created by and for powerful white men and discusses what she experienced in AA: being told that she is powerless against her addiction and should submit to a power greater than herself. Yes, this humility may have been a useful tool for men of authority in the 1930’s and 40’s. For these men, the idea of bowing down or acknowledging their limitations was a new concept. However, women have been expected to do this all their lives.
Though Whitaker has found some value in AA, she thought that there HAD to be something else, another option for women who want to explore sobriety. As a result, Whitaker has developed Tempest, a program designed to help individuals, specifically women, renegotiate their relationship with alcohol and examine some of the underlying issues that may have led to alcohol abuse. There is a focus on mental health and new daily habits and behaviors that can replace the old harmful ones. These conscious decisions and behaviors can help us create a wonderful life, a life we do not need to escape with alcohol, eating or shopping.
We need to create a life we don’t need to escape. - Holly Whitaker
Yes!!! We all need to consciously create this life for ourself and I enjoyed this book because it outlines so so many tools and resources that can help all of us do this, whether we are working through an addiction or not. I will highlight a few below and if they sound enticing, there’s more where that came from in Quit Like a Woman.
“We need to create an existence where we naturally and impulsively reach for something that builds us up or reinforces us or heals us (a poem or mantra, a meditation, a cup of hot water with lemon) instead of something that just takes us down further (a cigarette, a text to an abusive ex-lover, a bottle of wine, a new pair of shoes we can’t afford). - Holly Whitaker
Here are just some of the things that Whitaker touts as cornerstones to her recovery and to living a fuller and healthier life:
The Morning Routine. Whitaker really emphasizes the importance of a peaceful and positive morning routine to set the day off right. It really starts with PLANNING the day before (getting your outfit ready, prepping your lemons for your hot water - more on that later and setting yourself up for success so you don’t start the day in a frenetic panic and you can conserve some of your energy for more important decisions later - like not drinking).
Her morning routine includes
waking up at the same time each day WITHOUT A PHONE (using a separate alarm) and, in fact, not looking at the phone until your morning routine is complete!
drink a cup of hot water with lemon.
meditate for five minutes.
take a moment to read a positive affirmation to yourself which you have written on a post it note
repeat the affirmation several times throughout the day
Kundalini Yoga and Kundalini meditations
Yoga in general. She shares glo.com as a resource for free yoga and free meditation
Meditation - a HUGE game changer for Whitaker, the juice and lifeblood of recovery. She encourages us to designate a special place in our home where we can meditate every day. Make it comfortable, beautiful and inviting because then we will always want to return.
Gabrielle Bernstein - this author, speaker, meditator was hugely endorsed by Whitaker. She recommends Bernstein’s meditations which you can find here (but you’ll have to enter your email address) and you can also find many more free guided meditations of hers on Youtube here. Whitaker really likes Bernstein’s meditation for not freaking out.
EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) - Here is just a brief intro to this method of tapping to release energy and process trauma
Therapy! Whitaker has an entire chapter about finding a good therapist and the right therapist for you and discusses her experiences in therapy and finding her perfect match.
Massages
Baths! Relaxing, delicious, rejuvenating baths (Hydrotherapy)
Aromatherapy and essential oils
ASMR (Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response) - You know these Youtube videos where people are whispering or playing with sand and when you watch you may get a tingling sensation in your brain? This NY Times article shares more on the ASMR sensation.
This RASINS tool to curb cravings. With this tool, we feel the feelings and experience the craving and work through it instead of looking for ways to deny or distract:
Recognize
Allow
Set aside the Story
Investigate what’s happening in your body
Name the sensations and Surf
Community - Whitaker finds this in several places like through yoga teacher training. She encourages us to reach out to people who we think seem awesome, even if we only know them through social media. Reach out!, she encourages. She talks about finding many of her closest friends this way and normalizes the idea that some friendships end and that we all change and we can let this go
Allen Carr and his book The Easy Way to Control Alcohol
Yes, you have probably heard about the transformative power of some of these tools before but sometimes we need to hear things five hundred times or hear them in an exact certain way that hits us before we absorb them for ourselves.
Whitaker’s passion and her personal experiences help illuminate how we can and why we should integrate these concepts. For this reason and many others, especially if you yourself want to have a more thoughtful relationship with alcohol, i think her book is definitely worth a read. I’m reading May Cause Miracles by Gabrielle Bernstein next so I’ll update you on that soon ;).