Radical Acceptance to Cope with Anxiety
“The boundary to what we can accept is the boundary to our freedom.”
― Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha
Shockingly, life is not always exactly as we envision or hope it will be. One might argue that this realization hits us in one way or another on a daily basis - from the guy playing annoyingly loud music on the subway without headphones (when we are actually able to commute), to the complete upside down flip of our lives in 2020 when our work, weddings, vacation plans and daily schedules were completely turned on their heads due to the pandemic.
Sometimes our feelings, worries and anxieties about these (certainly frustrating) situations can feel overwhelming. We feel angry, disappointed, confused and fearful about what the future may bring. Sometimes we’re not even fully aware how we feel or why. Other times those feelings torment us or lead to unproductive or hurtful behaviors like lashing out at others, drinking too much, or getting caught in a cycle of negativity that can have even further destructive effects on ourselves, our work and our relationships.
When we feel frustration and disappointment with circumstances we don’t think we should have to deal with or never expected for ourselves, we usually struggle against them and have a hard time accepting them as our reality. In comes Radical Acceptance. Radical acceptance is one tool we can use to help manage our anxiety or frustration and it’s something you can practice anytime and anywhere. Radical Acceptance helps us prevent turning pain into more suffering.
What is Radical Acceptance?
Radical Acceptance is a tool used in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and coined by Marsha Linehan. When we practice radical acceptance we accept all things, as painful, sad or difficult as they may be, without trying to control them, push them away or judge. We do not question, we do not blame, we do not fight. We open the door so that the difficult feelings can come in and we get curious and start to understand them. The goal is look at the reality in front of us see it clearly, just as it is. We work to receive it with our hearts and minds and a healthy dose of self-compassion.
When we practice radical acceptance, we are no longer struggling, we are no longer fearing and we are no longer “should-ing” all over ourselves (Ex: This shouldn’t be happening, My boss should understand, I should be doing better, He should be with me, etc.). We accept ourselves, others, and our circumstances exactly as they are because when we fight against circumstances or avoid seeing the truth in front of us then that often makes things worse. We aren’t able to change reality or make things better if we aren’t even clear on what it is or if we are unwilling to accept it.
For example, when we are in a relationship with someone who we think is absolutely the bee’s knees, we get so excited! (and rightfully so…) Everything seems brighter and we may start to envision a future with this person. Maybe we haven’t informed them of all the details, but we can see ourselves traveling the world together or perhaps building a family. If suddenly that person decides to end the relationship, it can (understandably) be absolutely devastating. How could they end it with us? We were perfect together!! They HAVE to see this. They can’t possibly live without me because we are destined to be together. I can’t see my life without them.
These feelings of shock and sadness are, of course, normal when we are at the other end of a breakup with a person we love. A breakup or divorce and takes tremendous work and support to get through it.
However, if we to keep fueling the fire of thoughts like, “I can’t see my life without them.” and “They are the only person for me and I know they will see this and come back” then we setting ourselves up for more sadness and continued disappointment. When we hold onto these thoughts for weeks, months, or years to come, and avoid facing the reality that this relationship is truly over then we are perpetuating our pain, disappointment and sadness and it is impossible to move on with an open heart.
What isn’t Radical Acceptance?
Radical acceptance is not approval of circumstances or bad or abusive behavior. It does not mean we give up or allow an injustice to take place. Radical acceptance means that we are able to see the truth and reality, no matter what it is. It is an understanding that we cannot move forward or make a change, small or radical, without first seeing and accepting the truth, no matter how painful.
How Can Radical Acceptance Help with Anxiety?
Anxiety is usually associated with some kind of fear of what is going to happen in the future. Many of us are not even aware of anxiety we’re experiencing because we’re so used to it. When we are able to take a moment, stop, and ask ourselves how we feel and what’s going on, we can acknowledge that we are actually anxious. Then we can use some of our tools like deep breathing, meditating, thought techniques, or radical acceptance, to alleviate anxiety’s effects.
Anxiety also can come from feelings of insecurity or worries that we are not enough as we are. We fear failure or judgement and beat ourselves up with our inner critic. Practicing radical acceptance works best in partnership with radical self-compassion. Allowing yourself the time and space to feel what you feel and to lovingly let yourself know that you can handle it and that you are enough is a wonderful balm for the anxious heart or mind.
When we are suffering from severe anxiety or panic, the feelings can be so intense that all we want is for them to GO AWAY!! We may start questioning ourselves - Why do I feel this way? This needs to stop! I can’t handle this! Is it going to get worse? What am I going to do?? Just writing that caused me to feel anxious and stressed.
Instead of beating ourselves up or layering more anxiety about the anxiety onto the original anxiety, this is a good time to just stop and practice radical acceptance. Ask yourself what you’re feeling right now. Oh, I’m anxious. I’m really really anxious. Okay. Okay - let’s learn about this. Let’s understand it better. I can handle this. I can accept this. Just acknowledging the fact that you are anxious and starting to get curious about it and use some of your tools can immediately lower anxiety levels. We are not fighting the feeling or judging ourselves. Instead, we want to understand and learn more.
““Pain is not wrong. Reacting to pain as wrong initiates the trance of unworthiness. The moment we believe something is wrong, our world shrinks and we lose ourselves in the effort to combat the pain.”
― Tara Brach”
When Can I Use Radical Acceptance?
When you notice those “shoulds” creep into your head: I shouldn’t feel this way. I shouldn’t have done that. This shouldn’t be happening or when you start to ask questions like “Why me? How can I handle this? Why is this happening?” then these can be cues that it may be a good time to practice radical self-acceptance.
If you notice that you are experiencing intense feelings of sadness or anxiety, this would be another time that radical acceptance can be empowering because it allows you to take the time to delve deeper into these feelings, understand them and do something about them instead of just sitting in pain that can feel intolerable. This process can allow you to start tolerating these difficult feelings and then, do something about them.
How do I Practice Radical Acceptance?
NOTICE - When you having difficulty accepting reality, when you are negatively judging yourself or others or when a feeling like anxiety seems intolerable. Are you struggling or fighting against something? Notice this and decide you will make an effort to accept it.
GET CLARITY - Work to see the situation clearly and with self-compassion.
NOTE FEELINGS - Notice and name your feelings: “I feel incredibly sad.” Allow it to come up and allow it to fill the space. It may feel painful now but this pain is a step towards acceptance and life with less pain.
OBSERVE YOUR BODY Where are you carrying your stress? Where do you feel your pain? Is there heaviness? What needs to be lightened? See if you can relax your body. This will help you become more open to learning and acceptance.
GET CURIOUS - Ask yourself, “What’s going on?” “Why do I actually feel this way? “What’s happening for me right now?” “Why does it make sense that I feel this way?” “What led to this? “ “What are the causes of this?”
WELCOME ALL WITH UNCONDITIONAL FRIENDLINESS - this is taken directly from Tara Brach, a practitioner who has done a tremendous amount of work with radical acceptance. She encourages us to welcome all feelings and circumstances in without resistance but, instead, with unconditional friendliness. Encourage the to take a seat and have some tea so that you can ask it some questions and learn more about it. The feeling or the circumstance is not the enemy.
WORK ON ACCEPTING REALITY - You can open your body up and turn your palms to face the sky in a posture of acceptance. Acknowledge that for all of us, there are things we can control and things that we cannot. We must accept things we cannot change.
Repeat phrases to yourself that can help you accept it:
I can get through this.
This is difficult but it is temporary
I cannot change what already happened.
It is what it is and it cannot be changed.
I can accept things the way they are
It is okay to be sad/scared/anxious about the difficulties in the world.
I can be sad/scared/anxious and still handle this effectively
All lives have pain.
I am exactly where I need to be right now.
What would it be like if I could accept this life - accept this moment - exactly as it is? - Tara Brach
This too shall pass.
I will not beat my self up or make myself crazy with things I cannot change.
I have gotten through difficult things before and I will get through this too
I am strong, powerful and capable of amazing things
I am enough. I can accept myself exactly as I am.
Whatever my feelings, I can face them. I can handle them.
Life is worth living and can have beauty and joy even in these difficult moments.
PROS AND CONS - make a pros and cons list of “accepting this reality.” Ex: “If I don’t accept what’s happening then I don’t have to deal with it. I can avoid and stay in the dark in a place that may see comfortable. If I do accept this then I can start to problem solve, I can face my pain and, perhaps, start to feel better. That result may just be worth it.”
PRACTICE OPPOSITE ACTION - act as if you’ve already accepted it. What would you do if you had already accepted these circumstances? What would your next steps be if you were not anxious? Engage in those things and the feelings will follow.
VISUALIZE how you will cope with the “worst case scenario” in the future. What is the worst that can happen? Can you get through it? (Yes!) What would you need to do to get through it? This plan can ground us and empower us to move forward knowing that we can deal with it all. By doing this you are replacing fear with mastery.
It may be helpful to work through some of these steps in a journal so you can work through all the nuances of your feelings and give it some dedicated time to dump all of the feelings and fears out onto the page and out of your head.
Talking through these feelings with a therapist or in a Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group can also be extremely beneficial. To immerse yourself further into Tara Brach’s Radical Acceptance, with a Buddhist influence, pick up her book, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha.