Grieving the Loss of a Beloved Pet
After losing my sweet little girl, my chihuahua of 15 years, Pork Chop, I certainly don’t have all the answers. I do know that there is no way around grief, that our grief process is very important, I might say sacred, and that dedicating time to feel these feelings, connecting with those who understand and processing your grief in your own personal way, is necessary. Immediately after I went through the horrific loss of my baby dog, I wanted resources right away, so I wanted to share some things I’m discovering as I walk through this grief journey
FEEL YOUR GRIEF
Losing a beloved pet, a member of the family who provides unconditional love, is devastating. Pets are our companions, the ones who are there for us all the time without question, and their absence can leave us feeling lost, heartbroken, guilty, alone and overwhelmed.
It is necessary to give ourselves the time and space to truly grieve this unfathomable loss and to nurture ourselves physically, mentally and spiritually. If you are reading this and have lost a special animal, I want to tell you how sorry I am that I am so deeply sorry. Your grief is significant and valid. I feel it and understand.
Agnes Slight Turnbull said, “Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault really,” and this sentiment applies to all our animals: dogs, cats, birds, horses, guinea pigs, turtles and beyond. It is terribly unfair that we must lose such a significant relationship in our lives and always too soon. Pets bring us so much comfort and the bond we have with them is hard to put into words. They don’t judge us, they don’t ask much of us (though they often let us know what they want), they don’t talk back (with words), and they love us even when we feel we may not deserve it. They are often intuitive and empathic, and they provide us with ongoing comfort and stability, even when other parts of our lives are out of control.
When we lose this love, it feels irreplaceable. It feels this way because, in many ways, it is. We can never get that special pet back, no matter how much we “what if,” or bargain, and that is the sad finality of death. However, still we rise. It will never go away, but it must get better, even if slowly, even if incremental.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
There are things we can think about and do to take care of ourselves. We can work to accept that our lives are now altered forever, not just with grief, but also with deep love and countless memories we have shared with our loving animal. For that, we are truly lucky.
On a very basic level, please do not forget to take care of your daily needs. Try to give special attention to your own healthy eating, sleep patterns and exercise. Push yourself to go on a walk or spend time with someone outside of the house (preferably, someone who understands how you feel). Be patient and gentle with yourself. If you did lose your pet in an unexpected or traumatic way, please be compassionate with yourself. The way we lose our animal will impact our grief.
An important note: If you are replaying your pet’s traumatic death over and over in your mind, it is important to talk to someone like a counselor or therapist to help you process this. There are a list of pet therapy resources later in this post.
We must also remember that though our pets are physically gone, they never actually left our lives. They will always be a part of us, woven into the tapestry of our lives forever. We carry them with us in our hearts. We can fill our homes with their love and feel their presence around us and, at some point, revisit treasured memories and feel joy because we were lucky enough to have loved.
I have found that this quote from Jamie Anderson to feel particularly accurate: “Grief, I’ve learned, is just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
I am actively trying to find places for this grief to go. I will not sit alone with it and let it gather up. We must express it however we can, through conversations, mourning, sharing, photos, projects, memorials and other forms of love.
GUILT
It seems that no matter how we lost our pet: through a planned euthanasia, an unplanned decision to put them to rest, a tragic accident, a long illness, an unexpected or unknown illness, a death that occurred when we were away from our pet, or in a moment when we were right next to them, we can somehow find a way to blame ourselves and feel guilt.
This makes sense because our sweet animals are dependent on us and we may feel that we are supposed to protect them from any hurt or pain. We spend so much time making their lives comfortable that it feels particularly devastating in moments where they may severely suffer. It’s also difficult because they can’t communicate with us and we can’t tell them the whys and hows of what’s going on.
Also, the feeling of guilt resonates because when we blame ourselves, we have some control. We can point to a reason why this tragedy occurred. Then, we can “make sense” of the world (though it doesn’t make sense). Our mind has something to fixate on, to “replay” repeatedly so we can inundate ourselves with “What Ifs…” and “If Only’s…” Ugh, it’s unbearable… and certainly not actually helpful. This is self-flagellation.
Yes, it is important to identify these feelings and acknowledge guilt and anger (at ourselves or others - the vet, the person driving the car, the family member watching our animal, the neighbor with the aggressive dog, and the list goes on).
It can be helpful to process the events around the loss and think about what (if anything) we could have done differently and evaluate if there’s anything we can learn. Sometimes going through this exercise helps us realize that there is nothing we would have done differently because we couldn’t have possibly known what was going to happen. And it is true that sometimes there may be a part we have played in the loss of our animals. We can face it and then we must forgive ourselves.
I know that we all have adored our animals and many of us would move the moon and the stars to keep them healthy, safe, comfortable and engulfed in love. If something happened to them, we would never have done it on purpose because there is no way we would contribute to their discomfort. It is impossible to predict the course life will take and how we will lose those we love. The only thing we can predict is that loss is inevitable and we are helpless in its wake.
Some say that everything is meant to be and perhaps the way we lost our special animal kept them from some other longer, more painful, complicated or difficult loss. Maybe right now that feels impossible and not applicable to you. Just know that there is no way you would ever have let your pet suffer and, if you did contribute to their suffering in any way, it was not on purpose.
Try to forgive yourself and remember that we are all human and doing the best we can, but that it is impossible to live a life without mistakes or without accidents. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt, but you are not a villain. You loved this animal with all your heart and filled its days here with true love. You made your companion animal happy and did what you knew how to take care of them.
The truth of the matter is, even if there is some part that we might have played in our pet’s death, there is no escape from death, at some point as a stage of life. When you walk through the churches of Rome, they are filled with artistic symbols called “Memori morti.” They might be sculptures of skulls and hourglasses, or oil paintings of decaying fruit and extinguished candles, and their function is to remind us that death is an unavoidable part of our life and that we only have now. In some ways, it celebrates death, the part of life that churchgoers may look forward to, since they will now have eternal salvation.
I mention this with complete understanding that you are likely not feeling in any way celebratory at this moment, but to remind us that death is a part of life. We do not choose how we die or how our animal dies, and there is never an easy way to let them go, but this is part of our natural cycle and also part of our own agreement when we open our hearts and homes to a wonderful animal who will leave indelible paw prints on our heart and, tragically, not live as long as we will.
So, it seems that guilt is often an inevitable part of the grieving process. I think that just knowing that provides some solace. It is important to face and work through the guilt, exploring what we can learn, while also putting in the hard work to forgive ourselves and treat ourselves with humanity. Our pets would want it that way.
SEEK OUT OTHERS WHO GET IT
“TO BE UNDERSTOOD, AS TO UNDERSTAND” - St. Francis, lover of all animals
When it comes to animals, there are some people who just get it and completely understand the precious bond we can have with an animal and the way it enriches our lives. There are others who don’t get it. They are not the ones you need to go to with your grief.
Find those who understand the depth of your feelings. Talk to them about your fur baby and the feelings you are experiencing. If you don’t know anyone personally who you can connect with about this loss, there is a wealth of resources available for those who have lost a beloved pet.
HOTLINES: These lines provide support specifically to those who have lost a pet (except 988 which provides crisis support to all):
· Pet Compassion Careline at 1-855-245-8214.
· ASPCA Pet Loss Helpline – 877-GRIEF-10 (877-474-3310)
· Lap of Love Pet Loss and Bereavement Resource Hotline – (855) 352-LOVE (5683)
· 988 – general support text or talk hotline
INDIVIDUAL COUNSELING
As you will see below, there are several agencies who provide one on one counseling services around pet loss. There are also some therapists who are specifically trained in this area who can help.
There is a directory of pet loss counselors that the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement organized by state: https://www.aplb.org/directory-of-services/?service=10
Your veterinarian may have more resources and, as I also talk about below, if you live in Brooklyn and your pet was a client at Veterinary Emergency Referral Group (VERG), there is a Social Worker on staff who can provide one on one counseling at no cost.
SUPPORT GROUPS: It is a healing experience to go through your feelings in a group of those experiencing the same thing and also to provide support to others.
· Lap of Love offers free support groups and more specialized groups for a fee of $15. They do fill up quickly: https://www.lapoflove.com/pet-loss-support-resources
· Pet Loss Community has a support group, but there is a monthly fee of $54 which includes access to other resources as well: https://petlosscommunity.com/grief-support-options/, but they also list a plethora of no charge support groups here: https://www.aplb.org/directory-of-services/?service=65
· This site provides a list of support groups by state: https://www.everlifememorials.com/Pet-Loss-Support-Groups-s/443.htm
· The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement also has video support groups, but they come with a membership fee: https://www.aplb.org/online-video-support-about/
· If you are a Brooklyn resident and you are a client at Veterinary Emergency Referral Group (VERG), they also have a Social Worker on staff and, at the time I am writing, offer free individual and virtual group support. You can email them at: records@verg-brooklyn.com to tell them your name and your pet’s name and to ask to be connected with the Social Worker.
SOCIAL MEDIA GROUPS/MESSAGE BOARDS: I know that social media can be a … well, an interesting place, but there are actually very supportive and robust communities there that you can access 24/7. Reading about what others are going through and having a place to post about and honor your pet can feel good. Many individuals will respond based on their own experiences and it is a reminder that you are truly not alone in your grief. Some communities are:
· Reddit: r/petloss:
https://www.reddit.com/r/Petloss/s/KSd4Ktm4uV
· Facebook: just search “pet loss” and so many come up. Here are some: https://www.facebook.com/groups/pvccopingoriginal/; https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1FmVzRcwK7/; https://www.facebook.com/share/g/17t2Esgr98/
https://www.facebook.com/share/g/1L25vdfz11/?mibextid=wwXIfr
RESOURCES
Try out different resources that might speak to you and the way that you would like to receive support. In addition to the groups and message boards above, explore the sites below for more resources like chatroom, online grief courses, book recommendations, audio guides and more:
Pet Loss at Home
Best Friends Animal Society
https://bestfriends.org/pet-care-resources/grieving-loss-pet-resources-coping
Pet Loss Resource Center (books, journals, workbooks)
https://www.petlossresourcecenter.org/books-articles
Podcasts
Pet Loss and Grief:
https://heatherstang.com/surviving-the-death-of-our-beloved-cats-dogs/
The Pet Loss Companion:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-pet-loss-companion/id1551842408
Healing Pet Loss Podcast
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/healing-pet-loss-podcast/id955143165
Instagram Accounts
· @_lightafterloss:
· @petlosscommunity:
· @honoringouranimals (Beth Bigler):
· @petgriefletters:
· @twoheartspetloss:
· @mourningpaws_project:
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?
When we are in the midst of this grief, we want to find more ways to spend time with our animals and it can be comforting to think about them, their quirks and their love. Though it is said, “Grief is love with nowhere to go,” let’s find a place for it.
MOURN: In his book When a Pet Dies, Fred Rogers talks about how important it is to not only grieve your pet, but also to mourn your pet. He explains that mourning is different from grieving, because it is done outside of ourselves. Mourning is a way to express your grief externally, either publicly or in a physical manner. Here are some ways that you can mourn:
Have a Service: A service with others who understand, knew your pet or can be there to support you is a way to mourn. It doesn’t have to be long or extensive but getting together with those who loved your pet in order to share words about them, memories, or stories about them can honor your special animal. You can have people write about your pet in a book
Create a Memorial: You can create a physical place where you can honor your pet with a large picture frame, their collar, leash, toy or beloved item, maybe their ashes or pawprint, and more. For example, my dog, Pork Chop, would drink from a regular glass of water throughout the night. I kept it at the edge of the bed. I want to continue keeping that water glass there and full for my Pork Chop. Creating the memorial allows you to put your energy into something and allows your pet to constantly be present in your life.
Share a photo and post in a pet loss group: The people in these groups understand the pain that you are in and sharing your feelings and the photos of your pet there is a way to honor your baby and also perhaps hear new perspectives or stories from others who are in different points in their journey. Share a picture and your pet’s story. Also, comment on the stories of others. As Booker T. Washington said, “If you want to lift yourself up, lift up someone else.” It’s true.
Write your pet a letter: Say everything that you want your pet to know about your feelings, your life together, the things you appreciated, the words you might not have gotten to say, the times you shared, your sadness and pain, just everything.
Make Something: Find a project that can be the focus of your energy and that can celebrate or honor your pet. This project can be creating a book that details your pet’s story, from the first moment you met each other, until now. You can leave space in the book to continue to write messages and notes. Your story together does not need to end here and the extra pages in the book can remind you of that.. You can create a memory book with photos and other items like your pet’s license, vet notes, holiday cards, medicine container, a piece of their favorite toy or bandana, memories you want to write, drawings or printed poems.
Create a ritual: Those of us with pets usually have household rituals around them: when they go out on walks, when we feed them, where they sit, when they go to bed and what they enjoy in a routine. It is very difficult when the routines baked into our lives with our pet are now disrupted. You can create a new ritual or routine to spend time with or honor your dog each day. For instance you can light a candle in the morning when they would have gone out, pull a grief card and reflect on it, hold the box of your pet’s ashes, if you have them, write in your journal, visit their picture, do a little meditation, or listen to a short podcast or audio guide from the resources above at a certain time of the day. You could also still go on part of the walk that you used to take with your special pet (when you are ready). Choose something that could feel comforting. It does not need to take a long time, but you can integrate it into your day.
Donate to a Shelter : Giving back in some way to another animal in need may feel helpful. There could also be ways to volunteer with an animal rescue. They may need staff at adoption events or someone to work on the computer or help organize in some way. Seeking out a way that you can help other animals, guided by your beloved pet, may feel purposeful and provides another outlet for love.
Keep a list of Memories: I have a note on my phone to Pork Chop. Whenever I am faced with an intense and sudden memory of the way she would clean her little feet or stand next to the couch and wait for me to pick her up, I immediately write it down in this note and address it to her. This helps me to not forget her little quirks and the behaviors that filled my heart with joy. Reading through the list also helps animate Pork Chop in my mind, highlighting all the little habits and behaviors that made her so special.
Create an Album of Photos on Your Phone: I know that over the years I have taken thousands of pictures of Pork Chop. Though it is sometimes very sad to see them, and sometimes very joyful, when I am overwhelmed with grief and don’t know what to do with it, I have found it helpful to scroll through the photo album on my phone, looking for her pictures and organizing it into a photo album called “Pork Chop.” I am going year by year, so this takes up some time and it can spread out over several scrolling sessions. I then have an album of photos and videos that I can look at any time. It is so nostalgic to see how she grew and changed and to remember the memories we built together. Of course, it can also be very difficult. Check in with yourself and decide what you’re ready to handle.
Foster Animals or Help at a Shelter: Not everyone may be able to bring another animal into their home in the time after losing a pet, and that makes sense. However, everyone needs something different, which is the interesting part of grief. For some, it might be healing and/or distracting to help another animal in need. Most rescues need fosters in order to function and keep saving lives and there are so many beautiful animals who have nowhere to go. Maybe you would feel that you are honoring your pet’s life by caring for another pet on a temporary basis as a foster. You could also try to foster a different type of animal (For instance, if you had a dog, maybe try fostering cats?) if it would be too hard to introduce another dog, for instance. One benefit of fostering is that you are busy. Another is that your home is full of the energy of an animal. You are still in the routine of taking your foster on walks, feeding them, training them, perhaps, for their future furever home, and taking them to Adoption events. You are also part of a community of other fosters who understands your love for animals. It can also be very difficult to welcome a new animal in because they will remind you of your baby and there is room for comparison and more feelings of loss, so think about it. For some though, this might be a great help. If you aren’t ready to welcome an animal into your home, you may be able to help a foster agency in another way, like reviewing applications or interviewing potential adopters.
TAKE TIME
I hope that some of the information or resources in this post have been helpful. Again, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Please take time to take care of yourself however you need. Take your weekends and free time to do something healing, whatever it may be for you, and just be easy with yourself and reach out to someone if you want more support. There are many people out there who do understand this tragic loss and know that the deep grief you may feel is in direct correlation to the great love you have shared with your special animal.
Rumi said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” it can be hopeful to create some meaning out of the darkness. The suffering you are experiencing after this loss may be able to teach you something about the complexity of the human experience and the power of the deep bond we have with our animals. Going through this may deepen your own empathy for others, present the opportunity for you to connect with someone else or an animal in need of your deep capacity for love. It may allow you to be a support some day for others who need understanding in a similar difficult time. It can also show you how strong you really are and remind you that if you can get through this, you may be able to handle just about anything.
