Exploring Emotional Abuse
Is This Emotional Abuse?
When there’s physical abuse in a relationship, it’s usually clear. There is bodily contact. There is violence. Items may be broken. Physical boundaries are crossed and it is evident.
Emotional abuse can be harder to define. It is also uniquely traumatic because of this ambiguity. Many might not realize it is happening so they are left asking themselves, “What just happened? Why are they treating me like this? Is this my fault?”
School usually doesn’t offer formal education about emotional abuse. One might assume it’s obvious: yelling, cursing and belittling. Of course, these are clear red flags. However, there many other manipulation strategies that emotional abusers use in relationships that aren’t always blatant until you know what they look like and have language to define them. This knowledge is the first step to reclaiming the power and confidence that an abusive partner erodes.
If you are not aware of these abusive patterns, you may be suffering in silence or feel like YOU are the crazy one. An emotionally abusive relationship drains your self-esteem, throws you into a state of confusion and has deleterious effects on your overall well-being.
If you are, or have been, in a relationship that causes you to feel diminished and question your core self, review this list of some common emotionally abusive behaviors. Walk away with a greater understanding of the full picture and, most importantly, with the knowledge that you are certainly not “crazy” and that this is not your fault.
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse involves repeated actions, words or behaviors used to confuse, criticize, belittle, guilt, shame or hurt another person in order to control, frighten or isolate them. None of us behave perfectly in a relationship one hundred percent of the time, but emotional abuse is consistent.
Often, though not always, the abuse is purposeful because it serves some function for the abuser. Emotional abuse is sometimes called psychological abuse because it includes persistent patterns of behavior intended to manipulate another person. It shows up not only in romantic relationships but also with friends or other family members.
The effects of this abuse can be traumatic. The manipulation can rob you of your confidence, wear you down and cause you to question yourself, your character and your ideas. You will chase your tail trying to understand the abuser and make changes to please them. Spoiler alert: You can’t. It’s impossible. YOU are not the problem so the time spent shaming and guilting yourself is for naught. The good news is that once the signs and patterns are de-mystified, it is at that point that you can take action.
Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
The books Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft and Will I Ever Be Free of You?: How to Navigate a High-Conflict Divorce from a Narcissist and Heal Your Family and the podcast https://loveandabuse.com/ were particularly helpful resources when putting together this list of emotionally abusive behaviors. If you want to explore further, you could start with those sources.
Not all of these things need to be present to identify a relationship as emotionally abusive but if some of these patterns sound familiar to you that is important information to process.
Control
An emotionally abusive partner wants to call the shots and have the last say, even in trivial matters. It’s all about power and having the upper hand. They will use various techniques to win: anger, shame, eliciting pity and more. These partners try to control what you do, say, like, read and who you hang out with.
Seeking Retribution
If you don’t agree or if you do “something wrong,” according to your partner, they may look for ways to punish you. Maybe they will embarrass you in front of coworkers or suddenly get very angry at a seemingly small issue. They engage in “tit for tat” games. For example, if they felt insecure because you spent time with a friend they don’t like or maybe got accolades at work while they have been struggling in their career, they may get back at you a few days later by suddenly refusing to attend a family event you had planned for weeks.
Criticizing and Shaming
Your friends? Annoying. Your job? Inferior. Your ideas? Stupid. This is how it might feel if you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. The consistent put downs about your music taste, career choice, family or the way you spend your time pile up and wear away the essence of who you are. After hearing all this criticism, you may internalize and start to believe these negative things about yourself are true. You may wonder where all your confidence went and why it’s so hard for you to feel good about yourself.
It’s all about THEIR needs
Often an emotionally abusive partner thinks that only they are entitled to their feelings. There is no room for yours. You may often have to cater to the needs of your partner and avoid doing, saying or expressing certain things because you may fear “setting them off.” Their personal emotional and physical needs come FIRST, and yours come second or not at all. Your partner seems to have a special status in their own mind and they feel entitled to privileges, understandings, exemptions and attention. YOU aren’t allowed to be angry. YOU aren’t allowed to need anything. To keep the attention on their needs, they may yell, pout, play the victim, withdraw or share sad childhood stories where they have been wronged or hurt in order to make you feel bad and show them sympathy.
They are a bottomless pit of need
Not only is the relationship all about their needs but also remember, their needs will never be satisfied. You will bend over backwards to make this person happy, to do better, to be better, to get things just the way they like them… and when you do, the bar may be raised. There will be new needs. Likely, nothing you do will be good enough. You might as well throw your efforts into the dark emptiness of the abyss.
Flip it and reverse it
If you express a concern or issue that you have – whoosh! - Suddenly your partner has that same concern but BIGGER. Say you mention that your partner is making you feel bad or isn’t listening to you. They might say, ‘Are you kidding? You’re the one who NEVER listens. You hurt me all the time and have no regard for my feelings. All I do is listen to you and bend over backwards to make you happy.” Mind blown. Aren’t you the one who’s been changing things to suit them? Don’t you listen to their complaints every night? Suddenly, whatever issue you had with them is now THEIR issue with you. Quite the move. Before realizing this, you may even feel bad about the concerns they’ve shared, thinking about how you can do a better job supporting your partner. (Hint: This is the effect they want. The attention is, once again, back on them).
Word-twisting
Similarly, abusers will twist your words. They take things and then re-construct them into something different that promotes their agenda. Maybe you have a coworker you mentioned is funny. The next thing you know, your partner says, “You already told me that your coworker makes you laugh more often than I do and that you’d rather spend time with them.” Whoa! You said no such thing but your partner is now insisting that this is, in fact, what you said. You feel like you have to defend yourself, your partner makes you feel guilty and a fight ensues.
Gas lighting and Crazy-making
This is demonstrated in several of the examples already listed. It can make you feel crazy to bring up a concern you have and then have the tables turned and get accused of doing that exact thing you know you didn’t do. When you’re told you said something and you’re (almost) sure you didn’t is truly maddening. The technique works when you start to second guess yourself.
Gas lighting also happens in a relationship when you maybe remember a comment or statement your partner made a few days ago. Maybe they told you they had a really good burger with a friend at a new restaurant. Then you may ask something like – oh, what friend did you have that burger with the other day. They might say, ‘What are you talking about? I didn’t see any friends this week!” You might say, “Really? But I remember you told me that you really liked the restaurant you went to with your friend?” They might say, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You wonder if you imagined the conversation.
This can happen with all kinds of things like tasks in the house, plans, agreements you made. You remind them, “Today is your day to pick up the kids. Thanks so much!’ They might say, “What? I never agreed to pick up the kids on Monday. You know that’s my late day at work. I would never agree to that.” You may remember every detail of the conversation, but he denies it and now you’re, again, frustrated, infuriated and left in the lurch.
Confusion
As seen, this comes with the gas lighting and crazy making. Your partner may share ambiguous details about their childhood or previous relationships to keep you wondering or feeling sorry for them. If your partner lies directly or denies something they previously shared, keep you in a state of confusion and wonder. They may get so emotional that you feel bad asking any more questions. You are still left without the whole story. They can also confuse you by accusing you of doing the thing that they are in fact doing themselves. By putting you down, criticizing or blaming you for things, you will start to think that you ARE actually the monster they paint you to be. They will attempt to define reality and make you doubt your own judgement, leaving you in a constant fog. When you are in this vulnerable state, it is an opportunity for them to take advantage of the weakness, and continue to use their techniques, prove that you “don’t’ know what you’re talking about,” wear you down and stay in control.
Shirking responsibility
Nothing is their fault. It’s rare (or never) that you hear your partner take accountability for mistakes or admit they were wrong. They are above it. Nothing is ever wrong with their behavior and it is YOU who is causing problems.
Isolation
In an unhealthy relationship, especially one where one partner wants control, it is common for that partner to isolate you. They may do this by putting down your friends or family or starting conflicts to create a distance between you and your loved ones. When you are isolated from people who care about you, you lose your support system. You can only turn to your partner - and this is exactly what they want. They become your whole world so you start to believe the things they say, their lies and critiques and you excuse bad behavior. How could you face the truth about this person when you need them so much and they are all you have? This dependency makes it extremely difficult to disentangle yourself from a toxic relationship.
Sabotage
As said, an emotionally abusive relationship is all about the abuser. So, if you have something good going on: a new class, exciting project or an award, you’re in the spotlight. This could incite resentment or anger. Your partner may not directly say that this is how they feel, but they may somehow sabotage your happiness by starting a fight on the day of your promotion, putting down your achievement by making sarcastic or diminishing comments, making excuses for why they can’t attend a celebration for you, and the like.
Intimidation
Intimidation is done in many ways like through words, sarcasm or physical proximity. Your partner may get so close to you that you feel nervous and helpless. They may stand by the door, blocking it so you can’t get out. There is some feeling of imminent danger, even if your partner has never been physically violent. Intimidation can also be induced through angry reactions or lashing out. If you ask your partner to help with the dishes and they come back with a vicious tired degrading you as a “lazy cow who does nothing all day and can at least pull your weight washing these dishes,” you might hesitate to ask them to help again. This intimidation gets them what they want and helps them feel in control, the ultimate purpose of any form of abuse.
Superiority and domination
They often considers themselves, their actions, their ideas, their jobs and their families as superior. They are above you and therefore they deserve more airtime or they feel entitled to dominate an argument and express their “correct” perspective.
Manipulation
Many of these techniques listed above are manipulative, but it’s important to mention this on its own because manipulation can take many forms. Emotional abuse includes using strategies to get the end result that the manipulator wants. They might use guilt, jealousy or accusations to cause you to soothe or reassure them. Manipulators might make you work hard to come up with solutions to a problem they’ve created or identified and then will refuse all the potential things you’ve brainstormed to solve the problem. Manipulation may look like sabotaging plans or self-improvement attempts. It can also include any other behaviors that are purposefully intended to upset or confuse you.
So, I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship. Now, what do I do?
A relationship with these traumatic patterns is overwhelming. Sometimes it is even more difficult to come to terms with the fact that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or that your partner has emotionally abusive traits. However, once you know this, it can also be empowering. You now know the patterns. You know the routines. Also know that you are not alone and that absolutely none of this is your fault. Many women are suffering in emotionally abusive relationships and may not realize the uphill battle they are fighting.
Once you understand that you no matter how hard you work to contribute to the relationship or understand your partner that these behaviors are beyond your control, then you can start to evaluate whether you want to stay in a relationship that can have such serious consequences to your happiness and well-being. You do have the option to leave. But, often, this is a hard decision to make right away. Sometimes, you can’t completely leave because you still have to interact with this person in order to co-parent. In that case, here are some ways to cope with an emotionally abusive person in order to keep your sanity and confidence intact.
Name their tactics
Keep reading, listen to podcasts and connect with support to learn more about emotional abuse. Find a therapist experienced dealing with these sorts of relationship or connect with others in a support group who have been through something similar. Learn the lingo for these techniques and then call it out to yourself when it happens. This will help you be less susceptible to the behavior.
On his Love and Abuse podcast, Paul Colaianni recommends that in those moments you see your partner utilizing an emotionally abusive technique, tell them, “I know what you’re doing.” It may be jarring for the abuser to be called out this way but it empowers you and interrupts their behavior. Colaianni recommends against using terms like “gas lighting” or “crazy-making” out loud as these accusations might become a stubborn focus for your partner, but you can say something like, “You said one thing and now you said another to try to confuse me” or “You’re shooting down every solution that I offer so that we have to do it this way.”
Consistently and calmly call out the behavior and stand your ground.
When possible, do not engage
When you’re living with a person, of course it’s hard not to engage with an argument. However, if you are corresponding digitally, separated or going through a divorce or breakup, and your partner is consistently reaching out to via text or email with angry comments or nasty critiques, simply don’t engage. Press the x or close the text. Any response you give can just give the person more fodder for the fire. It’s not like you will make a point they will listen to, so why continue the conflict? This also goes for attempts to defend yourself. Any defense you give is simply opening a door for them to attack you so don’t worry about having to do it. Remind yourself that you know the truth, you know what this person is doing to upset you and you can put your phone away.
Tell them that what they’re doing is hurting you (and if they don’t care…. Reevaluate)
Now, it might seem counterintuitive to tell an emotional abuser that they are hurting you. In fact, the purpose of their behavior IS often to hurt you. This is true of someone who lacks empathy. In that case, they could use this information against you. However, not all emotional abusers are conscious of their behavior. If you tell someone they are hurting you, it gives you the opportunity to see how they react, if they are willing to listen and if they can change their behavior. The way they respond and behave could inform the decisions you make regarding the relationship. It could open the door for the two of you to start clearly communicating, start counseling or for your partner to work on their behavior.
Caveat: If you’ve told your partner in the past that what they are doing is hurtful and they used that against you, then you already have tried this technique and you saw that they were capable of further hurt. There’s no need to tell them this again, so don’t put yourself through that pain. We know that, sadly, your feelings may not matter to them or they are incapable of making room for them. If you are disregarded and met with a lack of empathy and more emotional abuse, then maybe it is time to seriously look at what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Set – and keep – boundaries you set
This is very important. One key tool you can implement is to clearly set boundaries about what is and is not acceptable to you. There will also be some sort of consequence if these boundaries are violated. Firstly, identify the behavior that is hurtful and that you want to stop. Then, clearly state what you need with as little anger, frustration or sadness as possible. Try to keep all emotion out of it and stay calm.
For example, if you need your partner to stop cursing at you when you’re in an argument, state, “Stop cursing at me.” If your partner continues to curse at you, disengage from the conversation and leave the room. Tell them that you will not tolerate it. When you remove yourself from the conversation, this is the consequence. If the situation becomes unsafe, then stop and get help.
Be assertive
Emotional abusers like to dominate and they are used to dominating. If you consistently and assertively state your needs, call out behaviors and refuse to tolerate certain things, you are now in control and the tables are turned. People who exhibit dominating behavior often respond to assertive behavior.
Accept and Process
If you are starting to realize that you are or have been in an emotionally abusive relationship, then it’s tremendously important to stop and give yourself time to accept that you have been through something very difficult. Then, start to process the events and the feelings you have. It is ideal to do this with a professional so they can guide you through whatever comes up. As you discuss and explore the hurt and anger, the more understanding you will have of yourself and what you need to move forward. Also, the more you process these things, the more you will neutralize your feelings about it. You will be able to tolerate the trauma you experienced, be more compassionate with yourself and understand the things you need to give yourself and also the things you want, at some point, in a healthy relationship.
Validate yourself and rebuild your self-esteem
In an emotionally abusive relationship, you may internalize the negative put-downs that spewed from the emotionally abusive partner. You may not even realize how ingrained these thoughts have become inside of you and how they affect your self-esteem. This person’s criticism and abuse leaves you in a disempowered state. When you are already down, often the abuse comes at you again, whittling away the fragile remnants of confidence that you have. You forget that you are an amazing, kind, caring, compassionate person who is great at their job, has friends and hobbies that you enjoy. It’s time to start undoing this person’s damage. Identify the negative perceptions of yourself that you may have because of that person and actively work to reconstruct your thoughts. Again, this is a great place where a therapist can help. The thoughts you have embraced about yourself, because of your partner, are distorted. They aren’t true. Your partner wanted you to think this way because he stayed in control. Really focus on the great things about yourself and engage in activities that make you happy.
Practice Self-Compassion
When someone is emotionally abusive to you, you often become emotionally abusive in return because it’s the only way to get your voice heard. Understand that your behavior with your partner is a survival technique. Forgive yourself. Some start to shame themselves for getting or staying in a toxic relationship. Remember, it happens to the best of people. These behaviors likely weren’t present in the beginning and, even if they were, you likely didn’t know the patterns. Practice self-compassion. You are human. You have been through something traumatic. You need to rejuvenate and care for yourself. Take deep breaths. Meditate. Think about what an unconditionally loving friend would say to you about the situation and talk to yourself through that voice. Eventually, think about how you can grow from this experience: What did you learn? What do you need from your next partner someday? How do you want to engage in a relationship?
Put yourself first
You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. You can start by giving these things to yourself. Your physical and mental well-being are most important. Nourish your body and mind because they are precious. If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, you have likely spent way too much time catering to the needs of someone else and you have not gotten that care and attention back. Now it’s your turn. You deserve this. Plan your exercise routine, find a therapist, make healthy lunches, and schedule the doctors’ appointments you have put off.
Build your support network
When you are in a relationship that lacks emotional support, it is so important to surround yourself with positive people who can actually be there for you. An emotionally abusive partner may try to isolate so that you only depend on them. They inflict harm and then they are the ones to give you love again. This can create what you may perceive as a connection. You will start to associate love with this sort of harm and think that they are one and the same. It becomes normal and intense. In reality, this is a manipulative technique to try to make you feel like you are nothing without them. Engage with friends and family outside of the relationship, seek out a support group for others dealing with emotionally abusive relationships or foster your connection to a community. When your life is robust outside of the relationship, you will feel more empowered if you decide to leave.
You can leave the relationship
That brings us to this option: You can leave the relationship. This might not happen right away but you can use your friends or support system to help you develop a strategy for leaving. What needs to be in place before you get out? Are there logistics you need to figure out like where to live? What financial obligations do you have? Not all relationships have these sort of ties, but planning can help manage your emotions and build your confidence up to take this step and free yourself from emotional abuse.
Resources
National Domestic Abuse Hotline If you want to continue to process what’s going on in your relationship and get support, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free at 1-800-799-7233 or go to https://www.thehotline.org/ for more resources. Find five minutes when you are away from your partner and make a call. Do this as many times as you need.
Love and Abuse Podcast
Check out this podcast where all episodes are dedicated to emotional abuse topics. Start with one that is most applicable or interests you the most and play it on a walk, while cleaning or running errands: loveandabuse.com
Use this site and its filters to find a therapist. Explore and set up consultations with a few, until one feels like a good fit.
Books
There are many many books on this topics which is great news. I will share some that are frequently recommended but this is just the tip of the iceberg:
Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft (despite the title, the author discusses how her book applies to emotional abuse from men and women and discusses presence in same sex partnerships)
Boundaries When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Power: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse by Shahida Arabi
How to Fall in Love with Anyone: a Memoir in Essays by Mandy Len Catron
Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People – and Break Free by Stephanie Sarkis, PhD
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing by Beverly Engel